A person’s a person, no matter how small.
Dr Seuss
I’m grieving.
I’m sure far too many of you can relate to what my friend Emma describes as the “soul-crushing pain” of losing a baby. Sometimes babies leave us before we ever know their presence within us. Sometimes they leave us after we’ve experienced the magic of holding them in our arms. And everything in between. There is a temptation to think that the older a baby is, the greater the grief over his/her passing. I’m not convinced that’s true.
This is my fourth pregnancy loss. It’s been over 12 years since my last one, and honestly I don’t remember hurting like this. It was a shock to learn about this pregnancy. When I saw those two pink lines on the test, I was afraid. How will my body handle another pregnancy? Am I getting too old for this? My baby is only just 5 months old… this is too soon. We’re going to need a new vehicle to fit all the car seats. How are we going to afford another child? What will people think when I announce yet another pregnancy? (People say the dumbest things to moms of many… we’ll talk about that another day.)
As my heart settled and my faith grew, I began to warmly accept this precious new life and look forward to his/her arrival. I was grateful. I quickly became downright thrilled! I shared the news with a few friends because – let’s face it – I’m terrible at keeping my own secrets. The song “Blessed Be Your Name” has helped carry my heart through many seasons of life, especially during times of loss. “You give and take away, You give and take away, My heart will choose to say, Blessed be your name.” Most often I hear the take away bit, but when I found out I was pregnant I listened to the song over and over and heard, “You give, You give, You give…”I wasn’t sure I was ready to receive the gift, but I chose to place my trust in God’s good & perfect will for my life. I meditated on Mary’s response when she found out she would be having a Son.. not that my situation can quite be compared to hers! But she basically said, “I am the Lord’s servant.. may it be to me as you have said.” (Luke 1:38) I adopted her submissive spirit.
Then my world came crashing down this weekend. I was afraid I might be losing this baby. With the comforting company of my mom, I spent several hours at the doctor’s office yesterday, and my suspicions were confirmed. My heart hurts so so so much, but I still believe in a good Father who cares for me and has a higher purpose for my life that I don’t fully understand. I’m hugging my babies tighter and growing closer to my husband in a new way – this is our first loss together. I’m realizing just how much God has been answering my prayers for new, real friendships with other women. Childcare during my doctor’s appointment, meals delivered to our home, a gift bag of goodies with instructions to pamper myself, a ride for my kids to school this morning, and the most heartfelt words of sympathy are just some of the acts of kindness I’ve received in the last 24 hours. He truly does GIVE. Even in the midst of loss. I don’t understand. I hurt. I trust. I grieve. I cry. I say thank you. I say WHY me. I cry some more. And I know it’ll be ok.
Blessed be your name.
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